Kids and the City

Stressed Out

Pose this question to yourself, do you think kids these days are more stressed out than you were as a child?

My first reaction to this question is absolutely, without a doubt.

My childhood, in the mid-seventies to late-eighties, contained hardly a care in the world. I can recall walking without an adult to the neighborhood store 1/2 mile from our house, without a cell phone. I was allowed to roam the neighborhood streets with my friends and explore some of the vacant lots that are now an oddity with nothing more that my mom’s whistle to beckon me home.

The days of my girlhood were long and seemed never-ending as I approached each new one with a plan.

What should I do today? I would ask myself when I drug myself out of bed in the morning. Should I play Barbies outside and build them a tree fort? Should I ride my bike? Should I swing? Should I visit all the retired ladies in the neighborhood with my friends in hopes of receiving a cookie? Should I play Lincoln Logs and listen to records? Should I go feed the ducks? Should I dress my baby brother up like Strawberry Shortcake (he totally would not go for this, it was only one of my dreams)? Should I climb the cherry tree in the backyard or play in the sandbox? Should I bake something in my Easy-Bake Oven? Should I climb through the culvert under the street and see if I can make it to the other side? Should I ride “Prince”, the best rocking horse in the world since I don’t have a real pony?

Obviously, my thoughts were not riddled with the stress of merely being a kid. Never did I worry about war, what was that, something that happened in the 60’s? Never did I worry about terrorists, I don’t think I even heard that word until I was in high school. Never did I worry about going to school and being shot by one of my classmates. I did worry about being stolen sometimes, the story of Adam Walsh was pretty popular when I was growing up, but it didn’t stress me out. Never did I worry about the environment, but then again, I don’t think we drove our car unless we absolutely had to - certainly not EVERY DAY! Never did I worry about homework, until the 5th grade when I was assigned my first “essay”. I think I was just concerned about the word - essay. It was a little intimidating. But I didn’t lose any sleep over it. Never did I worry if my parents could pay the mortgage, or whether my dad would ever lose his job. Adult concerns were kept just that, adult (not that there were any concerns over these things, and if so I don’t need to know about it now). Never did I worry about drive-by shootings or rapists breaking into people’s homes in the middle of the night. The news was not on every night at 5 o’clock in our home. I’m pretty sure the only person I knew who watched the news was my grandma. Never did I worry if there was food on the table of every boy and girl all over the world. Never did I worry about the President, or whether I thought he was doing a good job leading our country. Never did I worry about childhood obesity. But then again, a trip to MacDonald’s was reserved only for REAL road trips or the occasional visit to my grandparent’s house in Seattle when they would take us to the play land, with the old McDonald’s character toys that you could actually climb inside (remember those?).

I didn’t have anything to worry about. Other than the bogey man under the bed. Certainly not the hole in the ozone layer or global warming.

I realize that kids of any generation can experience personal stress that would affect them drastically and I had it pretty good, as there was an evident lack of anything resembling that in my idyllic childhood. But the absence of outside stresses and pressures was one felt universally by the majority of people of my generation.

However, the presence of outside stresses and pressures is felt universally by the kids in my own children’s generation, and I believe it is doing them more harm than good.

Children these days are being raised in an immediate gratification society. They are hustled and bustled from school to activity to a sibling’s activity to home to 2 hours of homework to dinner on the run to more homework or another activity before hitting the hay for less sleep than the kids of my generation. They are being bombarded with images, seen and heard, from all kinds of media sources the entire time. They are being expected to complete insane amounts of homework so that the schools can bask in high test scores and receive the necessary funding that should be given to them regardless. They are products of working parents (which isn’t, in itself a bad thing), but who are sometimes more focused on the dollar than the quality of time spent with the families they, themselves, created. They are being pushed and encouraged in sports programs at very young ages. The competition is so fierce in some of these programs to “play up” or join a select team that many kids give up, defeated at age 8. That is sad. What ever happened to learning and enjoying the game and reaping the benefits of being part of a team? When I was a kid, everyone played. It didn’t get serious until high school, when it should.

Is it any wonder that kids are stressed out?

So how do we, as the parents of today’s stressed out kids, strike a balance between providing our kids with the best opportunities, giving them the advantages to succeed in this competitive world and giving them a childhood where they are allowed some “down time” to let their imaginations run wild and actually have the opportunity to be bored, to be a kid?

I believe that one of the biggest gifts we can give our children is the gift of a childhood. There are simple things that we can all do in our everyday lives, working parents and stay-at-home parents, that will allow our kids to be just that, kids. It is never too late.

Try a few of the following things that may fit your family and see if it makes a difference. And if you hear your child say to you, “I’m bored,” than you’ll know that something is working. For without a little boredom, the mind does not have the opportunity to think for itself.

Turn off the tv. Keep tv viewing to a minimum, depending upon your children’s ages. Do not keep it on during dinner time or homework time, as this can be incredibly distracting for everyone and detract from the opportunity for some real interaction. Don’t let your kids watch violent or scary shows before bedtime, either, as this can have a negative impact on their minds and the process of readying them for rest.

Limit after-school activities. You don’t have to completely eliminate programs, especially non-competitive extra-curricular activities, from your children’s lives. But if you have more than one child, scheduling kid’s activities so that no family member has more than 1-2 activities a week, and not on the same day as another family member, will ease the tension in getting everyone where they need to be. You know what is best for your kids regarding how many days a week they can be kept busy with activities, but remember, the more things they are doing, the less time they are spending with you, and they are only children once.

Schedule down-time. Try to schedule time on your family’s calendar each week with blocks of time in which you don’t need to be anywhere or do anything. Sit back and relax. Listen to the kids play board games or, better yet, join them. Encourage them to read a book or take a walk.

Keep the grown-up stuff to the grown-ups. Kids don’t need to be involved in adult problems or discussions. If you and your spouse have an issue that needs attention, go to another room, wait until later, or get a babysitter and discuss it over a dinner out. Try not to talk about your adult drama in front of your kids. They don’t need to hear it. If it stresses you out, just think what it does to your kids.

Give them some breathing room. When my boys were old enough, they began asking to ride their bikes to a location not far from home, but definitely out of my sight. I had to let them, and it was one of the hardest days of my life. I sent them with my cell phone, and told them to call when they’d arrived at their destination. Allowing them some freedom at an appropriate level for their ages let them experience the world on their own a little. And although it was hard on me, it was necessary that they know that the world is not the evil place depicted on the nightly news. Kids should be able to, when they’re old enough, navigate a simple thing like going on a bike ride. It gives them confidence and the opportunity to use all those rules you’ve been drilling into their skulls since they were on their first tricycle.

Be honest. As kids go through elementary school, it is a given that they will be exposed to all kinds of information that may confuse them. They will come home with questions. My advice is to answer those questions in the simplest way you can and don’t embellish unless it’s asked. Don’t use ridiculous names for things either, use the proper terms and be matter-of-fact. Keep the lines of communication wide open between you and your child and assure them that they can come to you with any questions they might have. Tell them that they will not be in trouble, ever, for asking you the meaning of a word or phrase they don’t understand.

Play with your kids. Put all of your own insecurities aside and get down and dirty! Go outside and be silly. Play a game of family charades, or Twister! Sing along to a karaoke machine. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing, just do it with your kids.

Talk to their teacher about homework. If your child comes home with too much homework, if it is stressing them and you out and there is a nightly battle, talk with your child’s teacher. Let them know what is going on at home and see it you can come to a compromise that works for both of you.

Communicate with your children’s school regularly. If you can, volunteer as much as possible at your child’s school. Keeping your finger on the pulse of what is happening can benefit your child in many ways and it sends a signal to the teacher that you care about your child’s education. If you can’t volunteer, send the teacher emails or notes when something concerns you or even just to say that you appreciated something he/she did for your child. Keep the lines of communication open between yourself and the school so that you will have a better understanding of what goes on there.

Say no. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that we, as parents, must do for our kids. We need to teach them that it is okay to say no and sometimes we can’t say yes to every invitation. Picking and choosing what invitations they will accept teaches kids to make decisions. It also helps them recognize if life is simply too busy to do everything, a skill that will hopefully keep them less stressed about these things.

We cannot change the world, or the events that are taking place globally that affect our kids. We can make little differences in how we react to these events, how we learn about these events and how we educate our children about them. We can control how they walk through childhood by helping them live less-stressed lives. We can teach them the simple pleasures of lying in the grass and looking up at the clouds on a warm afternoon, watching a storm roll in from the comfort of our living room, hearing the rain hit the roof. We can encourage them to succeed in school and sports without over-doing it.

I believe that if we try hard enough, we can help them achieve this balance, therefore helping them become less stressed children. Because they are only children once, they have their entire lives ahead of them to be stressed out. And when they become stressed adults, we will teach them yoga.

 Carrie is a stay-at-home mother of three and married to one busy firefighter!  You can read more of her mommy meanderings at her personal blog, Third Time’s a Charm?, or email her with questions, comments and suggestions at carrieb@seattlemomblogs.com!