So the experts say sex is “good for you.” It’s like “exercise.” It’s “healthy.” Just DO It.

And somehow this is supposed to inspire us to overcome fatigue, ignore the wailing in the nursery, disregard the fact that we haven’t showered in days, and, that’s right grrls, feel SEXY?

Um, my mom told me lima beans were “good for me” too. I haven’t had those in years.

The weird thing about sex and exercise is that they do have some amazing similarities. The natural high. The healthiness. The physical and mental pay-off. And one other thing in particular: DREAD.

Admit it. You know what I mean. Sex-dread. That dreary I-don’t-wanna-have-sex I-don’t-wanna-have-sex I-don’t-wanna-have-sex mantra that plays in your mind some nights. That negative, anti-sex mind bomb that starts kabooming before your body even has the chance to feel if, mhmm, a little lovin’ might be niiice.

Now I’m no expert, but I suspect this preemptive anti-sex strike has something to do with that Mondo List of Why Moms Might Not Like Sex Too. It’s a typical, normal, wholly understandable reaction to the chaos that is motherhood, right? It’s also a reaction that’s getting in the way of our fabulous sex lives.

So here are a few ideas about how to avoid sex-dread:

1. The first trick, pure and simple, is to NOT think “I don’t want to have sex.” I’m serious now; don’t let the words even enter your mind. Feel sleepy. Feel grumpy. Feel headachy. Feel dead-to-the-world. But don’t think, “I don’t want to have sex.” Why? Because otherwise you’re not giving your body the chance to FEEL if a little nookie might (or might not) ease that sleepy, grumpy, headachy, dead-to-the-world sensation you have.

2. Now, next step. Instead of thinking, FANTASIZE. And if that’s too kinky for you, fine then, THINK. About SEX. Imagine those lips, visualize those hands . . . well, you see what I mean. It’s possible that just thinking about sex (instead of thinking about not wanting sex) will get you in the mood. You may be pleasantly surprised.

3. OK, if the sexy brainwave method isn’t getting the juices flowing, you might want to consider your timing. For one, the birds and bees say you’ll have more juices flowing around the time you ovulate. Now perhaps you’d like to have sex more than just one key time a month, but, hey, at least it’s a start. And planning on—even looking forward to—having sex when you ovulate can set you up for some steamy success.

4. Speaking of timing, another trick is to plan with your partner when you’re going to have sex NEXT. I know it sounds weird, but the words, “I’m too tired tonight, honey. How about in the morning?” may not only induce some de-lic-i-ous dreams, but may help you wake up downright horny. I have a friend who swears by this method. She and her husband discuss their next foray (tomorrow after work, this Sunday morning, during the Bungle of Joy’s nap today), and all day/week long, they look forward to it.

5. Another thing to consider about timing is this: How often (in general) would you like to be having sex? Are you a once a week sort of gal (as many women are)? Or would you prefer 4 times a week (like lots of men)? Talk about this with your partner. Why? Because if you can agree to a general schedule—I know it doesn’t SOUND romantic—you might actually look forward to sex when you know you’re “due”. . . and feel less pressure about sex when you’ve got a night off.

6. The other reason this conversation is beneficial is that you may learn you’re dreading sex for no reason at all. Perhaps your partner is just as exhausted as you are. Perhaps your partner’s libido has reached an all-time low too. Perhaps you’re both perfectly in tune.

7. On the other hand, you might establish that one of you has a stronger more frequent sex drive than the other. In this case, you can come up with ways to meet in the middle. For instance:

- What if the more eager partner serviced the other FIRST—a surefire way to get things started.
- Or how about trying the many variations on Low Energy Sex (spooning sex, sleepy sex, quickie sex, do-your-thing-honey sex)
- And, finally, my personal favorite, the you-scratch-my-back-I’ll-scratch-your-itch method. Because there’s a reason they say 99% of backrubs lead to sex.

I remember the day I went for a run on the beach with my girlfriend. Huffing and puffing along, she likened sex to jogging. “I WANT to do it because it’s good for me. I know ONCE I’m doing it I’ll really enjoy it. And I know AFTER doing it I’ll feel fantastic.” She pounded out a few more steps before adding, “Yet, for some reason, sometimes, I still DREAD it.”

“I totally. Know. What. You. Mean.” I said in time to my steps. “Jogging. And sex. Are similar.”

We ran along a few moments in silence.

Then I said, “There is One Big Difference.”

“What’s that?” she asked, breathing heavy.

“Jogging with your friend feels great,” I said. “But having sex with the person you love? Orgasmic.”

Writer and mom Janna Cawrse is writing a relationship memoir called The Motion of the Ocean: 1 Small Boat, 2 Average Lovers, and the World’s Longest Honeymoon (Touchstone Fireside, summer 2009). You can read more about relationships at her Seattle Post-Intelligencer blog Happily Even After. If you have questions or topic ideas for “Moms Like Sex Too,” email janna [at] seattlemomblogs.com.