Whenever you do something out of the ordinary, a couple of things happen. First, you draw attention to yourself. Whether you meant to or not, that’s what happens. People can’t help but take notice. Second, people have opinions about your choice.

When it comes to our path to parenthood we haven’t done things the ordinary way. My husband and I got married in our late 20’s but didn’t start a family right away. We waited. And we waited. And then we waited some more.

Remaining childless by choice is not ordinary. Oh sure, people do it, but it’s not the norm. The vast majority of people who are able to have children, do. And let me tell you, it really seemed to bug The Majority that we were choosing not to have kids. That’s not the way things work! Why would anyone choose childlessness? You must be selfish people! Uh yeah, whatever. We had our reasons for waiting and it had nothing to do with being selfish.

Now that we are choosing to have children, we’re adopting. While adopting is not the way The Majority has children, it’s is a normal route to take if you are infertile. But the thing is, I could very well be fertile. Sure I’m 41, but women can have kids in their 40s. I went through cancer treatment, but unlike many women, I didn’t lose my menstrual period. So it is, indeed, possible that I could conceive a child. But we’d rather adopt so we’re not even going to try.

That’s not ordinary. In fact, it’s downright weird in some people’s eyes. Why wouldn’t you at least try to have your own? Everyone would rather have their own! And for all you know you could conceive easily! Then if it doesn’t work right away you can always do fertility treatments! You could use donor eggs! Medical science can do amazing things! You should at least try! Thanks, but no thanks.

Now here’s where things get even weirder: we want to adopt an older child from the foster system. This really seems to throw people for a loop. The reactions we have gotten when we tell people have often been negative. You better be careful! Those kids are really damaged! The state will just shove a kid your way and you won’t get to choose! The state will hide info from you about all the kid’s problems! My neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s hairdresser adopted a foster kid and it was horrible! You better think long and hard before you adopt a foster kid!!! As if we haven’t thought about it or done our homework on the subject. Sheesh.

I have to be honest and say that it really sucks to get hit with so much negativity. You tell people you’re adopting and you’re so excited to share the news. You want people to be excited along with you! And at first, most of them are:

“We’re adopting!”

“How cool! Where are you adopting from?” (The Majority seems to automatically assume we’re adopting internationally.)

“We’re adopting an older child domestically from the foster system!”

“Ohhhhhhhhh…”

At that point we’ve often seen their smile disappear, a serious look overtake their face, and then some of them even go on to share a foster kid horror story. Not exactly the shared-excitement we hope for.

I get it, I really do. We are doing something out of the ordinary and many people are not comfortable with that. They have limited knowledge about the route we’re taking. Their preconceived notions are often inaccurate. And apparently nearly everyone has heard a foster kid horror story and feels compelled to share it with us.

People mean well. They care about us and don’t want to see us get hurt. I appreciate that. But I’d be lying if I said it’s not a huge bummer to have your excitement met with doom and gloom. Fortunately we’ve got enough people in our corner that are excited for us and support our decision to balance out the naysayers. We draw strength from that support, and from the firm belief that we are choosing the path that is right for us.

And fortunately, every now and then we share our plans with someone new and instead of reacting with well-intentioned warnings, they surprise us with a huge smile and say, “Wow that is so cool. Those kids really need people like you. Good for you!” And in that moment, we finally feel completely understood.

This entry also posted with the Seattle PI. Copyright © 2008 Susan Metters. All rights reserved.
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In addition to being a writer and aspiring mom, Susan Metters also carries the distinguished title of Cancer Survivor Extraordinaire. Some of her secret ambitions include meeting Dr. Phil, hosting Saturday Night Live, and rising to the top as a rock star. You can read more about Susan’s life adventures by visiting her blog with the Seattle P.I., Lemon Margaritas. If you have ideas, questions, rants, or ramblings feel free to email Susan at susan [at] seattlemomblogs [dot] com.