I’m bummed today.

My hubby and I have thought about adoption for a long time so I’ve browsed the online photo listings from time to time throughout the years. When we finally decided to move forward with the adoption process this past September, we started looking at the kids in the photo listings in a new light. Instead of just browsing, we started looking at these kids as real possibilities. One of these kids might actually become our child!

Needless to say, there has been a brother/sister sibling pair that has really been tugging at our heartstrings. They just seemed like such a good match for us. Their personalities seemed to be just what we are hoping for in children and we felt like we could provide what their social worker was looking for in a home.

In the photo listings they tell you when the children were first listed. These cuties have been listed since last May and still not adopted. So we were hopeful that they would still be available by the time our home study was completed (it’s almost done, but not quite yet). The farther along we got in the process the more we allowed ourselves get attached to their photo and description.

Just last night we were hanging out with a good friend of ours who adopted 5 years ago. We were talking to her about this pair and how we felt really good about them, how we thought they might even be “the ones”. Then I jokingly said, “Wouldn’t that suck if they’ve been on the web all this time and tomorrow they were gone?”

Can you guess where this is going? My hubby calls me as soon as he gets to work this morning and he sounds upset. “I looked on the site this morning before I left for work and they were there, but now they are gone!”

They’re gone. And according to our agency, that means they’ve found a home.

While I’m happy for the kids, I can’t help but be bummed for us. Week after week since September they’ve been there, and week after week we became more and more attached. And now they’re gone.

I know this might sound ridiculous to many of you. How can I be bummed about kids I never met? Well just as mothers love their babies before they are born, I believe it’s possible to fall in love with the idea of something. You anticipate what it’ll be like when they get here. You start to picture them at the dinner table, or running to greet you after work. Sure, maybe we shouldn’t have let ourselves “go there” in our heads but we did.

But I don’t think that’s all bad. Allowing ourselves to go there has opened our eyes and hearts to possibilities that we initially rejected. At first we were very closed about the age range we were willing to consider; we wanted 5 or younger. But the photo listings have widened our view of what our family could be. At one point there was a 13-year old boy we were surprised to find ourselves very drawn to. What we realized is that finding a child or two that is a good match for us (and we are a good match for them) is more important than any other parameter we might have in our heads. Going there, in many ways, has been a good thing.

Even though seeing their little faces disappear from the list today was hard, I know it will all work out for the best. Our kids are out there. Right now, somewhere, they are waiting for us just as much as we are waiting for them. I have faith in that. We’ll find each other.

This entry also posted with the Seattle PI. Copyright © 2008 Susan Metters. All rights reserved.
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In addition to being a writer and aspiring mom, Susan Metters also carries the distinguished title of Cancer Survivor Extraordinaire. Some of her secret ambitions include meeting Dr. Phil, hosting Saturday Night Live, and rising to the top as a rock star. You can read more about Susan’s life adventures by visiting her blog with the Seattle P.I., Lemon Margaritas. If you have ideas, questions, rants, or ramblings feel free to email Susan at susan [at] seattlemomblogs [dot] com.