Crazy Much

Quiet, Please

I went on my first meditation retreat last month. I saw Sharon Salzberg speak, and spent two days not speaking myself.

Let me clarify — this was a non-residential retreat, meaning there were no overnight stays. It was more like a 9 to 5 thing.

So, I didn’t speak for the hours I was at the retreat. No one did (except for Sharon).

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice.”
— Leroy Brownlow

Well, even that’s not exactly true. There was the guy who told us where the bathrooms were and to not eat in the speaking hall and who introduced Sharon. And there were the people who I signed in with. I could talk to them.

At retreats, I learned, this practice is called Noble Silence. It’s described as a quieting of the body and voice that can help cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and enhance concentration and awareness.

During one of her talks, Sharon asked us how the not-talking was going. (It was a rhetorical question.)

Then she told an anecdote about being on longer retreats, for seven days, ten days, three months. During these retreats, students talk to the teacher during their one-on-one interviews. She said that almost everyone comes into their one-on-one interview and freaks out about not talking.

“I don’t think I can do it!”

“My partner doesn’t think I can do it.”

“My coworkers have a betting pool on whether I’ll last.”

Everyone laughed.

(It’s okay to laugh.)

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
— Rachel Naomi Remen

After two days, I found the not-talking refreshing. It was a relief to not have spend all that energy advertising myself and making small talk. It gave me space to connect to the underlying energy between people and beings.

So now I’ve started trying to bring more silence into my home life.

I know, right?

How is that possible with two kids five and under?

I call it Begin with Silence… I try to start the day, and all my interactions, with the intention of silence. For me, at home, my goal isn’t so much as to not talk as it is to become aware of how much I talk and my motivations for talking. For me, it’s about listening, to myself and those around me.

Thus, every other day, I begin with silence…

Instead of calling out, “Time to eat!” I walk over to my son, smile, and gesture to the kitchen.

* * *

After hearing myself ask, “Did you have fun playing with so-n-so?” I recognize my desire to connect with my son and to hear his point of view.

* * *

When I start freaking out and feel a tirade coming on (usually when I am hungry and trying to make food while my children clamor around me, climb on the table, or hurt each other), I tell myself, “Stop talking. This won’t do anyone any good.”

* * *

I could teach my kids about counting to 1000 for all the times I say their names with a chiding tone, “Mi-caaa” and “Or-LAN-do.” Cutting those exclamations out of our day is a huge relief.

* * *

Instead of telling my older kid to leave my younger kid alone (then why don’t I leave the older one alone?!), I recognize my desire for harmony in my home, and scoop up my older son with a smile.

* * *

Orlando, who is newly five, responds really well to my silences — the times when I am centered and in touch. When I am quiet inside, he can feel it. He actually whispers back to me with this little dopey smile on his face. Not saying words is nothing compared to making this connection.

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Read more of Stacy’s sincere and silly missives about parenting from the heart at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!

The beautiful painting is by smallandround. Used with permission under creative commons license.