Tea Leaf Journals
Let’s talk about sex - for six-year-olds
So the Beeb reported today that the UK Family Planning Associate is pushing a sex ed booklet - to six-year-olds.
It’s called “Let’s Grow with Nisha and Joe”. Its topics, according to the article, include parts of the body and how to be safe.
I can just see my husband’s reaction when I forward him this link.
“What?! Are they crazy?” he’d respond on IM. I always know he’s serious when he responds an email with an instant message because he doesn’t like to chat at work.
The cliche has always been that Asians are a little more conservative than Westerners when it comes to open displays of affection and sex. It’s a cliche for a reason - it’s the truth.
Until a few years ago, the act of two lovers kissing in an Asian movie (apart from porn - and even those show more of the hard stuff because, you know, kissing is very intimate) was considered risque. I remember about ten years ago, Singapore made its first serial that had a couple kissing for more than 30 seconds. It was the talk of the country for a month - and the most awkward thing I’d ever seen.
The irony is, most of us are okay with Westerners kissing, hugging and what have you. We aren’t prudes. It’s just that such flamboyant displays of affection are just not our thing, but we don’t judge it. On the other hand, if we see a couple of Asian teens making out on the bus, we’d not hesitate to give them two smacks up side the head and tell them to show some respect.
This is very odd because my husband and I are affectionate people, and we are often kissing and hugging in front of his parents, not the heavy stuff, you know, just regular pecks on the lips and lingering hugs before work. We’d always been this way, even in Malaysia. It’s just different when you’re married I guess (being married makes all the difference in Malaysia - you can be getting jiggy at the playground and it’d be okay as long as there’s a ring on your finger).
So back to this whole sex ed for six-year-olds thing. I think it is futile to try and shield our kids from these things when sex is so pervasive in our society. Don’t even go that far. I think my six-year-old already sees that the way Daddy kisses her goodbye in the morning is very different from the way he kisses Mommy. How the heck do you hide that?
I believe that kids are becoming smarter and this makes trying to hide these facts of life all the more dangerous because the more you try and distract them from the truth, the more they’d want to know. Here we are trying to encourage a healthy sense of curiosity about the world around them, but when it comes to sex, we’re just going to pretend it does not exist until they’re, say, seven? That’s just silly.
I’m not saying Family Porn Night. Surely there is a way to talk about sex to a six-year-old without it degrading into some smutty discussion. And what better way than to start the conversation with a picture book?
What do YOU think about a sex ed book for six-year olds? Is it too much too soon? If so, why?
Read more of Jennifer Tai’s writing at The I’mPerfect Mom or enjoy her photos at www.jennifertai.net. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for Tea Leaf Journals, email jenn[at]theimperfectmom[dot]com.
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I think I was about 6 or 7 when my mom had the “facts of life” talk with me. So it would depend on what the booklet was being used for- a school class or something that parents could use if they needed. I stayed a virgin until I got married, so maybe learning about sex so young kept me from wanting to do it? Not sure
By the way, my husband is Chinese and he wouldn’t kiss me in front of his parents until we were engaged. I remember one time when we were all out at the grocery store and I had to leave, and he said “quick, come here so I can kiss you goodbye while they’re not around.” He was 35 at the time! Fortunately I understood that part of his culture, so wasn’t offended.
I think sex ed is an on-going process that starts as soon as your kids ask questions. If oyu answer them honestly and without giggling or blushing over basic bodily functions, then they’ll respect you.
My parents were both in medicine-dad was a pharmacist and mom was a technician. They were also both devout Catholics. They tought us the facts and their beliefs, but also made sure we knew that no question was off the table-we could ask anything. And they did their best to answer.
Now, they weren’t perfect. They left out a lot that I didn’t have the sense to ask. But they tried. As I have tried with my own kids. I think I must be doing ok, since the two adult kids have made it there without an STD or unwanted pregnancy, and they did ask questions beyond the basics without (too much) stammering.
My 9 year old has been raised the same way.
A booklet for 6 year olds makes sense because that’s often when they notice mom or relatives being pregnant and start asking questions. Or they see stuff on TV. Or out in the stores-basic family life stuff, like parents and children together, teen mothers, and so on.
There are things I’d hold out for 6 year olds, but if they asked? I’d do my best to answer.
And you didn’t ask specifically, but I’m not sqeamish about sex, or intimacy. I’m also ok with premarital sex, and even teen sex, with reservations-I’m not saying every teen should go out and jump into bed, but I don’t think it’s the end of the world if they get sexually involved-as long as they’re well informed and take precautions.
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I think it depends on the kid. Some kids are ready at 6 to know the “facts of life.” Mine probably will be. *shudder*
Honesty with kids is essential, though, especially on this topic. I’d be interested in seeing what the booklet has to say, and how it says it. Of course, the key with teaching kids anything is making sure the parent is involved. You can’t just give a child a book and assume they’ll understand everything, or that all topics are covered.
The curriculum is “parts of the body and how to be safe” it’s not teaching sexual intercourse to 6 year olds. There is a huge difference.
That said, my personal philosophy is to answer questions, and explaining bodily functions and appropriate touching vs. inappropriate touching is completely fine for kids that age, and sometimes it’s necessary because although it totally sucks - there are a lot of parents out there who rely on schools to do the parenting for them (not saying this is right, just my observations from many years of volunteering in classrooms). The only tools we can give our kids is to educate them on the science and the facts, otherwise I feel we are doing them a grand disservice.
I think the more we, as a society, can ‘normalize’ sex, the less pervasive you’ll see it in pop culture. If it’s no big deal, then it’s no big deal. I think taking the ‘naughty’ away will lead to healthy discussion and perceptions. My children know how and from where babies come from because I talk to them about it whenever possible.
xo
b.
I agree with Agi - I think when they ask questions they’re ready for some information.
I have a friend that was given *the talk* when she was five. Slang terms and everything were explained to her. She said that she was a little shocked by some things, but I can attest to her turning out fine. I don’t think she became sexually active until after high school and never had an unwanted pregnancy.
I don’t think knowledge of sex or allowing it to be the normal activity that it is (or should be) will decrease it’s air time in movies and such but it would probably remove any shock value of things like bikini baristas.
6 is a great age for kids to learn the basics of baby making - including the P going in the V, sperm, eggs, etc. I wouldn’t advocate introducing slang terms (with the excepting of “making love”) until age 8 or so. Unless they come to you and ask “Mama what does F*&% mean” then you should answer.
At this age, and younger, they don’t have any of the negative associations we have with sex, like shame, embarassment, and naughtiness.
We have an opportunity to start them off on a positive note with sex if we start the conversations earlier, rather than later.
We can also establish ourselves as a trustworthy source of information and hopefully keep the conversations rolling through adolescence.
Starting earlier is easier and it sets these talks up as a normal part of your family culture.
And, finally, kids who have open relationships with their parents, who know about sexuality, birth control, STDs and why it’s a good idea to wait as long as possible, do better.
Sorry, I’m pretty liberal and open minded, and I’ll never agree with the whole bikini barista thing nor will I knowingly take my kids to one of those stands (it’s risky enough just to consume a latte from one). They know a lot and I’d like to think in educating them with honesty and respect for others views, they’ve learned to tell the difference between something that’s natural and ok (like nudity in a non sexual wayt), and something that is lewd.
When I was a kid my parents had a book geared toward children called “How Babies Are Made” that doesn’t seem to be in print anymore. I honestly have no idea how old I was when they first shared it with me, but I can honestly say I never remember not knowing the basics. It was very tasteful and age-appropriate, but also scientifically accurate including info about sperm, eggs, Ps and Vs. It was cute because it starts out talking about how other creatures make babies, including birds and bees (yes really!), and then goes on to dogs and then people.
The book got passed down to my sister who shared it with her kids, and I think I’d better ask her for it. I’ve been a parent less than two months and my 8-year old has already asked “what is lust?” and “what is mating?” (in regards to lions). Clearly none of their previous foster parents discussed the basics with them yet. I gave honest and age-appropriate answers, but I think they’re overdue for the book!
Hold the phone! I guess the book “How Babies Are Made” is still in print. I found it on Amazon. http://www.amazon.com/How-Babies-Made-Steven-Schepp/dp/0316042277/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1222673534&sr=8-10. Sweet!
Susan, if your kids are girls, the American Girl books “The CAre and Keeping of You” is a wonderful first book about sex and development. It IS only geared towards girls, though. I don’t know of a similar one for boys.
A good idea is to go through the book together (whichever book) and then let the kid(s) take it and look it over in private, with the understanding that they can come to you at anytime with any question. My DD has had her book for a couple of years now and she comes to me with a new question brought on by yet annother look through the book every so often.
“It’s so Amazing!” and “It’s Perfectly Normal” are 2 other age appropriate and kid friendly reads. You can get them at Borders, Barnes and Noble, etc.
Good luck!
Oh, they are kind of like the modern day version of “Where Did I Come From?” if any of you remember that one! I certainly do!
Today at the cooperative preschool Skyler wandered into the boys’ toilet room at potty break and promptly stood beside the boy’s urinal to watch her friend E pee, her face just a picture of curiosity. I happened to walk past on my way to the girls’ and just WHOOPED with surprise, gently pulled her away and told her she needed to give people privacy to pee. It wasn’t even sexual but man, kids are curious.
“E has a funny porchay Mommy” she said. “Porchay” is a Malaysian Chinese word for vagina. Trying not to laugh has got to one of the top ten hardest things about parenting.