Let me clarify — this was a non-residential retreat, meaning there were no overnight stays. It was more like a 9 to 5 thing.

So, I didn’t speak for the hours I was at the retreat. No one did (except for Sharon).

“There are times when silence has the loudest voice.”
— Leroy Brownlow

Well, even that’s not exactly true. There was the guy who told us where the bathrooms were and to not eat in the speaking hall and who introduced Sharon. And there were the people who I signed in with. I could talk to them.

At retreats, I learned, this practice is called Noble Silence. It’s described as a quieting of the body and voice that can help cultivate a calm and peaceful environment and enhance concentration and awareness.

During one of her talks, Sharon asked us how the not-talking was going. (It was a rhetorical question.)

Then she told an anecdote about being on longer retreats, for seven days, ten days, three months. During these retreats, students talk to the teacher during their one-on-one interviews. She said that almost everyone comes into their one-on-one interview and freaks out about not talking.

“I don’t think I can do it!”

“My partner doesn’t think I can do it.”

“My coworkers have a betting pool on whether I’ll last.”

Everyone laughed.

(It’s okay to laugh.)

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention…. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
— Rachel Naomi Remen

After two days, I found the not-talking refreshing. It was a relief to not have spend all that energy advertising myself and making small talk. It gave me space to connect to the underlying energy between people and beings.

So now I’ve started trying to bring more silence into my home life.

I know, right?

How is that possible with two kids five and under?

I call it Begin with Silence… I try to start the day, and all my interactions, with the intention of silence. For me, at home, my goal isn’t so much as to not talk as it is to become aware of how much I talk and my motivations for talking. For me, it’s about listening, to myself and those around me.

Thus, every other day, I begin with silence…

Instead of calling out, “Time to eat!” I walk over to my son, smile, and gesture to the kitchen.

* * *

After hearing myself ask, “Did you have fun playing with so-n-so?” I recognize my desire to connect with my son and to hear his point of view.

* * *

When I start freaking out and feel a tirade coming on (usually when I am hungry and trying to make food while my children clamor around me, climb on the table, or hurt each other), I tell myself, “Stop talking. This won’t do anyone any good.”

* * *

I could teach my kids about counting to 1000 for all the times I say their names with a chiding tone, “Mi-caaa” and “Or-LAN-do.” Cutting those exclamations out of our day is a huge relief.

* * *

Instead of telling my older kid to leave my younger kid alone (then why don’t I leave the older one alone?!), I recognize my desire for harmony in my home, and scoop up my older son with a smile.

* * *

Orlando, who is newly five, responds really well to my silences — the times when I am centered and in touch. When I am quiet inside, he can feel it. He actually whispers back to me with this little dopey smile on his face. Not saying words is nothing compared to making this connection.

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The beautiful painting is by smallandround. Used with permission under creative commons license.

I succeed about one out of ten times.

Here is one of those times…

I am heading upstairs, to get clothes for all of us to wear. Our housemates are still sleeping, so I want to be quiet, but, of course, Mica cries out “Ah-deeeee!” every third step and Orlando thump-KER-flumps up the stairs behind me (how can a child so small be so loud?).

Once we are finally in our room with the door closed, Orlando starts jumping all over the bed, and in excitement, Mica amps up the volume on his “Ah-deeeee!”s.

I am standing in the unpacked pile of clothes from a recent trip, trying to scrounge up something close to clean when I turn around and aim myself at Orlando and say, “Stop, Orlando, stop. Stop jumping!” in a clenched, sideways stress-whisper way.

He keeps jumping. I feel my irritation escalate. A berating stream of words is filling up my chest, creeping along the tops of my shoulder blades, prickly words of Why isn’t he listening to me! He needs to stop!

But then I choose to “stop.” I take a breath.

“Orlando,” I say, “when I see you jumping around on the bed, I feel so tense! Because I am really needing some peace and quiet right now. Would you be willing to jump later?”

He stops his spazzy little body from flying about the room, says, “Okay, Mama,” and walks over to sit next to me on the bed.

Then he says, “Mama, I love you.”

It was in the Nonviolent Communication workbook when I first read the phrase Trust that when hearts connect, solutions will emerge.

Or how about the “Four Gates of Speech,” which asks one to look into the veracity, necessity, helpfulness, and kindness of one’s words before speaking. They even use this one in preschool – ask yourself, “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

Or there’s the Buddhist practice of Right Speech, which urges one to tell the truth, to talk only when necessary, and to abstain from divisive speech, abusive speech, and idle chatter.

Or how about this one? “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

They all add up to something like this:

1. Know how you really feel inside.
2. Figure out why you feel that way.
3. Decide whether or not you have a (reasonable) request to make of another person.
4. If so, make your request kindly and clearly. If not, be quiet.

I can’t believe I never really understood these concepts until I was a grown-up!

Basically, throughout my life, my speech practice has been something like this:

• I feel ANGRY and it’s the OTHER PERSON’S FAULT so I am going to SPEAK SHARPLY or YELL at them. Or perhaps I’ll just act all PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE. Later, of course, I’ll feel badly and apologize. Maybe.

But while I can see my old ways and how they don’t always work out so well, I still can’t stop myself from reverting to them, especially when I am feeling stressed.

Here’s another adage for you: Old habits die hard.

And thus, here we arrive at my nearly patented ending to my every parenting post…

I know what I believe and what feels right and good in my heart. I can’t always practice it. I mess up, a lot. I try again, and try not to beat myself up about repeating the same mistakes, over and over.

I reassure myself: This is a path. I am glad I am on it at all.

And for my compass, I have my children.

As soon as I change my energy to one of hope and open-heartedness, they are already there, playing along the path, ready to meet me, more than half-way.

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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!

Thanks to clairerikalena for the compass photo!

Re-evaluating means my husband and I add up time, money, who works when, school options (for the kids), and more. For a variety of reasons, we’ve recommitted to me being home full-time right now.

Re-strategizing usually means I remember all those things I’ve fallen out of the habit of: getting outside every day, showing respect for my children, spending time with other families and kids.

Recharging usually means spending time with friends, meditating, being with my husband, and writing. I also try to do mini-recharges throughout the day.

Once I’ve gotten back into the groove, I set out to recharge my two kiddos (who are almost-five and twenty months).

Here are some of things I do to fill up their love cups…

Cuddle Time
A few months ago, I realized that I was never playing with my kids.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I should spend all day playing with my kids, and I would read books, cook, make play-dough, garden with them, etc., but still, my son would wail, “Mama! Play with me!”

So I decided I would give the kids at least a half hour of my undivided attention after breakfast clean-up (in the secret hope that this would take off some of the heat throughout the day).

And oh boy, my oldest (Orlando) is not about to give this up anytime soon. He dubbed it Cuddle Time and it has a permanent slot on the calendar.

As much as I struggle to become enthused about playing monsters, airplanes, robots, creatures, monsters, and monsters, I’ve learned that Orlando’s imaginative play is his way of talking and working through his thoughts, experiences, and feelings. By letting him lead the play, I’m able to learn (and influence) much about him.

I’m keeping Cuddle Time on my calendar, too.

(For a great read about how and why to play with kids, check out the book Playful Parenting).

Trading Time
This one is simply “give a little, get a little.” While I don’t give the undivided attention I give during Cuddle Time, I try to acknowledge when things have been on my terms for a while and make the switch to doing something kid-focused.

Also, whenever one of us (but not the other) wants an activity to end, I’ve started suggesting we set a timer. As in, “Mama is going to blog, I mean, cook for fifteen more minutes and when the timer goes off, we will go to the library.”

Somehow, the impartiality of the timer helps; plus, it’s a concrete representation of time for a kid who doesn’t yet read a clock.

Time-in
This is a replacement for time-out, and we use it as opportunity to get connected or centered after a conflict, upset, or when Orlando needs my guidance (e.g., he is having trouble sharing or sitting still).

The main thing about time-in is that it is an energy thing. If I take the time to chill a little bit and don’t put all my focus on correcting Orlando’s behavior, I usually have much greater luck getting through to and connecting with him; and he has an easier time resetting to his own center (and thus “behaving”).

For more information about time-in, I would highly recommend Scott Noelle’s short four-part online series. I can’t do the topic justice here, and he really covers it all.

In-Touch Time
We have two versions of this, the mellow Tree Massage and the uplifting Fill You Up.

For the Tree Massage, Orlando lies on his stomach, usually across my lap, and I start “drawing” a tree on his back with my hands.* He likes to pick the type of tree.

The trunk starts at his sit-bone and goes up his spine, the branches spread over his shoulders blades, and the branches are dotted with fruit. To make it even more grounding, I draw roots down his legs to his feet.

For Fill You Up, either kid lies down on his back and I start at his toes, squeezing/rubbing his feet, legs, etc., all the way up to his head while telling him, “I am filling you up with love!” Both of my kids love it.

The thing I try to remember about love is that when I give it — wholly, fully give it — even just the tiniest bit of it, it does come back to me.

I have chosen to be home full-time with my kids, and each time I actively choose to do time with them rather than slog through it, we not only shave a little bit of time off our sentences, we escape jail altogether.

* Thanks to my brother, Ralph, for the tree massage idea!

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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy [@] seattlemomblogs [dot] com. I’d love to hear from you!

All the photos in this post are by me, Stacy Lewis.

Ear-splitting, soul-sucking chaos.

Having no structure seemed to work fine when Orlando wasn’t much more than a toddler, but now he’s almost five and has a toddler brother. After too many days feeling totally overwhelmed by the dailyness of every day, I decided it might behoove me to search out a smoother groove.

Here’s what I’ve learned so far…

Create routine

Note to self: If I turn on the computer before breakfast, the morning usually goes straight to heck, in a super-fast, fires-a-blazing hand-basket.

I started doing the same things in the same order every morning and made a point of naming our activities.

This helps set the kids’ (and my own) expectations, and we feel a bit more relaxed knowing there will be time for our own stuff throughout the day.

So far, we only do the mornings:

• We wake, make breakfast, eat, and clean up plates.
• The boys play on their own while I clean up the kitchen (which means I make a small dent in days’ worth of dishes).
• Sometimes I even start cooking dinner (see below).
• Next comes Cuddle Time — the time of day when I actually play with my kids. We generally sit on the couch together while Orlando thinks up games and characters and I go along. Mica tools around, doing his own thing or joining in. I tell myself that I can give them at least a half an hour.
• After Cuddle Time, the kids get dressed and play outside while I make phone calls/do computer/prepare snacks (and lunch if we’re heading out later).

Define each day
In general, I try to balance being engaged and being open; and between our home feeling like a Stir-Crazy Shack and a Happy Haven.

Most of our activities are flexible with a few committed classes thrown in, but I started emphasizing one activity per day. For example, “Circus class day” or “At home day.” This helps bring focus to our day and keeps us from overscheduling. Plus, Orlando seems to dig it — he often asks, “What is this day, Mama?”

Get outside
It almost always changes our energy for the better.

I toss the kids out in the yard, or set out for a walk — to the woods, through the neighborhood, sometimes stopping at a park, café, or the library. Which is how I end up talking to my neighbors in my dirty yoga pants. But hey, the kids are happy and I am free!free!free! (at least for a few minutes).

Plan meals and cook ahead
We finally gave in to the Menu Plan. And thank lawsy! We are eating well, have lots of leftovers for snacks and lunch, and almost always have everything on hand when we need it.

(We’re on Week Three. I’ll let you know how it is by Week Seventeen.)

I sometimes cook all or part of dinner right after breakfast. We’re almost always home in the mornings (and not very often in the afternoons) and the kids tend to be more cheerful then — Mica doesn’t have the incessant need to be on my hip and Orlando usually wants to help with the preparations.

Remember respect
I have really fallen out of the habit of this one.

There have been a lot of demands around here lately, from all parties. I’ve been trying to slow down and formulate my needs and preferences before saying anything. Then I’m able to make a request rather than a demand (i.e., “Listen to me!” and “Be quiet!” are not requests).




Sometimes I feel funny writing this kind of stuff. It all sounds so squeaky clean and a bit snooty. And to top it off, sometimes none of these things even “work.” I still have days when the house is a disaster, the kids are dirty and hungry, and I’m in a slump on the couch by 2 PM.

I go in and out of the groove. And that’s all right, because each time my dance moves get a little bit sweeter.

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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!

All photos in this post are by Stacy Lewis.

It all started when my son asked, “Where is my green car? I need my green car! Not the red one, the green one!”

The green car was likely between the sofa cushions or in the sand box, but out of laziness I replied, “Oh, it must be on vacation.” My son gave a peppy little “Huh,” and went on to the next thing, his burning desire for the green car instantly satisfied.

Since then many toys have gone “on vacation” — an extended stay in a box in our basement, a trip to the consignment store, or donated to a good cause.

With two kids under five, and the younger one in full “pouring out” mode, cutting down the number of toys has been our only salvation.

Sometimes it’s a family affair and my older son participates (I am always surprised at what toys he chooses to send away). Other times, I do it on the sly, pocketing that crappy plastic toy we got at the doctor or squirreling away toys in the cupboard.

And okay, I’ll fess up: sometimes I have a really hard time sending toys away. My first response is always, “But they play with that!”

You know what? They play with almost anything! The number of toys on vacation has had very little impact on the amount of playing they do, but it does give us all a bit more space in which to do it.

Other things that have helped us curb the toy chaos…

• Sorting toys by type (“Animals” “Cars and Trucks” “Blocks” “Food” “Balls” et al).
• We strive to have one type of toy out at a time, but rarely manage it!
• Rotating toys. My son once spent three days thoroughly engrossed in a box of books that had been on vacation. Three days! That’s like three weeks in Mom Time.
• Using the boxes the toys come in for easier storage and organizing. I don’t know why it took me five years to think of this.
• We’ve always done gift-free birthdays (of course, grandma and grandpa and others gives presents, but we let the invited kids/families know it’s not expected). I’ve also seen a birthday party book swap, requests for donations to a meaningful cause, or helping relatives brainstorm long-lasting gifts and fun, shared experiences.

What are some of the things you’ve done to come out from under the toys? It’s time to come clean and tell us about it!

But first let me come clean and show you a recent picture from our house…

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• Peace begins within.
• Put your oxygen mask on first, then assist those around you.
• Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

They all boil down to one thing…. Take care of yourself first. I remember my mom saying this very thing to me in the first weeks of my baby’s life and I thought she was off her rocker. I was holding a tiny baby! Who needed me! All the time!

It’s been five years now and her words are starting to sink in. How have I managed to keep myself happy when I’m busy keeping those other little folks happy?

Well, I’m still trying, but the first thing I did was stop thinking that there was some finite amount of happy, and that it was either me or them who was having it. This involves partnership thinking, and it involves therapy.

The second thing I did was decide that it is not selfish to focus on self-care first. If peace is my priority and bringing peace to others requires peace within, then hello? It’s all about me, baby.

The third thing is taking time for myself. In addition to sanity-saving time away from my kids to write and meditate, I’m talking about time on the micro level.

Taking care of everyone else first or bearing down and plowing through unpleasant situations are hard habits for me to break. But I’ve started taking many mini breaks throughout the day – especially when I am feeling upset, resentful or frustrated. I close my eyes and take a few breaths while relaxing my stomach.

Or I ring our mindfulness bell. When my toddler isn’t carrying it around the house and banging it on things, it sits on a cabinet at the bottom of our stairs. Anyone can ring it when they are feeling the need for a bit of peace or space. This physical action signifies self-care and helps us cool the heat (and keeps us from saying angry words or taking angry actions).

Here are examples of our mindfulness bell in action…

My almost five year old son and I are playing a turn-taking game and I accidentally take two turns. (Spacey much?) He is so frustrated I can tell he is about to pick up the game and throw it. Instead, he jumps up and rings the bell, stays there for a few minutes, and comes back to tell me, “I feel centered now.” We begin playing again.

* * *

I am sitting at the bottom of the stairs. I have spent the morning in futility. The kids are barely dressed, toys are everywhere, the kitchen is a hazardous waste zone, I am tired and hungry. I ring the bell and breathe deeply a few times. I open my eyes to see both kids standing at the doorway regarding me with curiosity. I open my arms and they climb into my lap.

After five years of being a mama, my mother’s words are resonating throughout my life. Each time I hear the mindfulness bell, I think of the circle of mothering – my mom, my self, my children – and of how we can all take care of each other, and ourselves, one moment at a time.

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Read more of Stacy’s writing at Mama-Om. If you have questions, anecdotes, or topics for “Crazy Much?” email stacy[@]seattlemomblogs[dot]com. I’d love to hear from you!

The photo is by me, Stacy Lewis.